12:47am: i dont know what i want anyore.

7:10am: you were right.

9:41am: overtly stupid
Have you ever looked forward to something with a crazy amount of optimism, happiness and just an all around sense of "yes, finally", only to have it be ripped away at the very last moment? no warning. it was supposed to be different, all of this. last night was supposed to be different. then, i realized nothing ever happens according to plans. it sucks, hard, but it actually feels better already. Im just feeling disappointed, but now i have realized that i cant just wait around for things to fall into place and hope that everything might happen according to plan, if i want this to be different i have to make it so. Oh, and by the way since when did you become my life, when did i become this stupid person. gross. someone should have warned me, before it was too late. im severely attached.

new semester. already? time flies.

4:52pm: I thought of him the entire time.
Yesterday was fun. I love going to where my family lives. It always leaves me feeling different, happier then before. Ill take you there some day, Its amazing. While I was there, I played with fireworks and helped feed the chickens and goats. There arent any distractions over there, no computers, no mtv. Just talking about old times, and life. Hearing about all my cousins and their crazy fucked up lives, made me appreciate mine so much more. Im happy that I was overly sheltered and too shy to really "put myself out there". I love my life.

I cant believe its been two years. Then again, I can. Ive been thinking about that time in my life a lot. The confusion, the excitement... i complain about the drama, but at the same time it was so much fun. Those things, those experiences... never ever go away. I was so young and naive, i wish I could go back and live that time again, and again. Id appreciate it more, i'd be happier with my circumstances, i'd simply be more prepared. That summer was magic, and turmoil. I really dont want all that craziness in my life again, im actually enjoying the peace and quiet of my present existence. Summers make me feel nostalgic, thats all.

This time its different, more real. Im prepared for disappointment, I accept the possibility of rejection. Im no longer afraid of the outcome, because we both know that id do anything for you.

10:45pm: resisting you is easier then you would like to believe.

see, i forgot how. thats what happened, i forgot how to talk to you. i lost it with everything else that one time we lost touch. its too hard now. i wish i could just pick up where we left off, but something in me does not know how to. it makes me feel bad, i dont like it. its so cold in my apartment, my roommate likes it cold. there is so much that i havent talked about, its all ridiculous. My new school is beautiful and fulfilled something in me, it legitimized everything and I am happy. My new city has always been my second favorite and i dont know where i would rather be. Lastly, my new apartment is perfect and i could have been stuck with a lot worse. My roommate on the other hand is someone that i will never want to be friends with. Its my turn to talk shit i guess, i dont care really. She is depressed, she hates it here, hates this school, and is wasting her parents money because deep down she knows she will eventually drop out and live with them, then live off them. She is nice enough i guess, i just dont like people like her, i gave her a chance, but shes the one who started it. i think shes pathetic, she thinks im weird. whatever. at least im happy. enough about that, so much has happened. i moved and all that, yeah months and months of talking about it and im here. ive only cried a few times, i miss my home and my mom and brother so much. I saw them today though, it was really nice. it wasnt enough though and it hurts to think about. I start panicking when i realize that this is it, this is how it will be. We no longer live with each other, we are now visiting and stopping by. Its better then never moving on, i guess. My classes are great and ive met some realy awesome people. I think a's are a real possibility this time, ill be so proud. I havent done too much in the city, ive been too busy, but soon enough. This weekend I am going down to corpus, it was my birthday request from lisa. my birthday is next week. on mardi gras, good times. Im not sure what we will be doing yet, but its bound to be fun. it always is. Things are really good for me, im glad to finally be where i want to be. I really did come out alright. It seems so strange to me that its actually been much less then a year. Some people are so much stronger then others. I still miss him and secretly wait for his calls, but its slowly fading, months later. Im meeting new boys, less complicated ones. I want a boyfriend so bad, i dont think i will have to wait that long though. One again, im happy and so is everyone that i care about. Last year seems so far away, thank you for having faith in me. you are the only one that stuck around and experienced it all. i owe you everything.

Here are some pictures of my new hair and a
couple of my new room,  ( enjoy. )

12:39am: i cant stand to see you cry, please dont... for me.
so this is my last night in corpus.... i make it sound as if im leaving forever. who knows. my bags are not all packed, ive got all night. so right now im procrastinating as always. It seems so strange to me, that i am finally leaving. years and years of building up to this moment. Ive wanted to leave for the longest time, and now im just like so sad to go. I hear certain songs and i suddenly want to cry because they remind of something that im leaving behind. Im really happy because, i think im actually going to be able to pay for everything, financial aid makes me so happy sometimes. Its weird, i feel scared and sorta lost, but at the same time i feel so sure that this is exactly what i should be doing. i know that i will be alright once i get up there, but ill miss my mom and brother so much, and i really want them to be okay. i feel guilty for leaving, guilty that i get to be happy and not have to deal with stupid shit, when i know they will have to. I just really hope that everyone can be happy, especially my mom. Im going to miss her so much its ridiculous. I better get back to packing, before i get all sad and sentimental. I know that this is whats best for me, but its so hard. Five months of non stop stress have finally come to an end, im happier then you could even imagine.

4:59pm: i leave in ten days.
after weeks and weeks of anguish, today i found out that i will be living in a two bedroom two bathroom. mostly everything is paid for and i might not have to get a job, but i think i will because i like working. i have never been happier. im constantly nervous, because this is all so new to me. im not really sure what i need to do, but it doesnt really matter it will all get taken care of. now i have to face saying goodbye, i dont handle goodbyes very well. it makes me sad to see people cry or tear up because im leaving. even my four year old cousin ari kinda started to cry, but she said that she would visit me as soon as she started to drive. haha. I need to go shopping for so much stuff... bed sheets, hangers, an iron.... i feel all grown up, but im not. the girls at the salon want to throw me a going away party, that should be fun. ill miss everyone so much, but atleast ill get to see lisa whenever i want, we are gonna have ridiculous amounts of fun. things are finally looking up for us, but i still dont believe that any of this is real.

1:19am: i never said yes, but i thought it every time.
Christmas break has been wonderful. Ive loved nearly every second of it, good and bad. Lisa and I will be going to San Antonio this weekend, im looking forward to that and to seeing a few people up there. Christmas was amazing, it snowed in corpus for the first time in like a thousand years. i miss it and every time i see snow on tv i get sad. turns out i love snow. I really needed this break and fortunately i have not spent it sleeping or crying. just a few moments here and there. Im still waiting to hear from the school, you know how that goes. I should find out by tuesday, im more nervous then you could understand. im going crazy inside. They gave me more financial aid though. i wasnt sure how i was going to pay for everything, but i think its all taken care of now. im happy, really happy. Ive been buying tons of stuff for this upcoming semester. Im so excited to leave, but sad too. ill miss a lot about home and this city. all the things i spent years making fun of seem so special now, because they belong to us. it kills me, honestly. everything seems unreal, i wont believe it till im there. i hope everything turns out alright, ill be too sad if it doesnt.

Even though it didnt end the way i wanted it to, im so over us. once again. I gave you like 70 chances. You let me down every time, but i guess i must have let you down too. I let you down by being different, by not giving in, by being me. You were so close, evertime... so close. I just looked at this picture of you, it makes me smile. i liked you so much. I dont hate you now or anything, im just disappointed with how everything turned out. I wish i could start over and just do things differently, not like it matters. You are still you, and even if i could be perfect, you still would have found away to ruin it all.

I dont understand people sometimes. I will never understand how someone can just decide to stop caring, how friendships just end. Its too confusing. I guess our friendship ended before it even started. Its hard to stop thinking about him and ill never stop wondering if he is ok, i guess he is. Only lisa knows exactly how i feel, because she feels the same way. I dont know why people dislike us so much. its just frustrating, but i need to accept it.

Im looking forward to every moment, and im excited to experience it all. i feel like im finally where i should be.

8:51am: You deserve so much better, what was I thinking.
So, the semester is over. It wasnt bad at all, i enjoyed my classes and the people and im sad to have to say goodbye to it all. I ended up with B's in all my classes, i could have done better... but i guess those A's will have to wait. Im fine, im fin e with everything. I do get sad every once in a while, about leaving, but it fades. Ill miss some people way too much. Im leaving in less then a month. Sometimes i cant even believe that I am really going. I still dont know where I am going to live, maybe lisa will let me stay in her cubicle sized dorm room with her :\. Lisa comes home tomorrow, i m happy. We are going to back cookies on monday like we used to do in 7th grade. Im going to make enough to give to everyone that i know because they are going to be really delicious. Then lisa is getting her wisdom teeth taken out, 3 days before Christmas.... im a little unsure about that decision but i guess it was the only time she could do it. My wisdom teeth are hurting so much, i dont think my mouth has enough room for the last two, but im stubborn and refuse to have them taken out surgically. crazy. I cant stop cutting my hair, i guess its due to the fact that i did not cut it since i was a senior in high school. My hair grows so slow, its ridiculous. I know how i want my hair, but im just scared to do it. I guess i should just get over, its just hair right? I had the weirdest dreams last night. In one part of my dream i got really mad at this little girl, i forget why... but it was the same girl from school of rock, the "band manager". strange. Justin was also in my dream, but in my dream he was like a million times cuter then in real life, you would have died. I cant remember what happened but it left me feeling strange. I guess it really wasnt anything. I have to do about a million things before next week and the week after that. Im going to be a very busy girl. There are a lot of issues and problems that I need to work out, but I can handle it. I feel happy, im getting along with almost everyone.... i still want to call some people but, i stop myself. Things are great and i think maybe they will stay this way.